Family Law
I
There are as many lawyer jokes
as embroidered aprons
at a church bazaar, or Hershey bars
at an AA meeting, or crows
in my neighbor’s yard.
People tell me these jokes.
I say: "everyone
hates a lawyer
until
he needs one”,
which produces the sort of
silence during which I fill out
a retainer contract.
II
Clients see the group toy box
under my receptionist’s desk,
her tender smile,
the framed photo of my daughter,
and they feel I understand.
I do understand, but phone
slips pile up so tall on my desk
that the paperweight mouse gives up,
and I have to peel out
in the daycare parking lot
to arrive at court on time.
III
To the ones who call daily
to recount visitation arguments,
(the fact that ears were pierced,
and gerbils purchased
to win affections), I say:
"It’s
$20 every time I pick this phone up”.
This puts perspective
on how the child’s laundry was returned,
how much sugar was given
to a hypoglycemic seven year old,
and whether entertainment
was PG-13.
IV
Eventually, homemade fudge
in plastic wrap
no longer arrives at my office.
The children have already
seen all the toys,
the other lawyer has a better suit,
and his file is color coded.
The statement from my office
goes over 30 days.
When the trial date arrives both sides
have found other relationships.
They are tired of meeting at Burger King
as neutral territory
when children are exchanged.
The judge splits the baby,
which the next door neighbor
could have predicted.
V
At last, the client makes
his final fee payment.
He says, during this visit,
"This
is how you lawyers all get rich”.
I tell my favorite lawyer joke,
the one about the 500 dead lawyers.
Then, I take out the office garbage,
tie my Volvo door shut with twine,
and peel out towards the
daycare parking lot.
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