Family Law

I

There are as many lawyer jokes

as embroidered aprons

at a church bazaar, or Hershey bars

at an AA meeting,  or crows

in my neighbor’s  yard.

People tell me these jokes.

I say: "everyone hates a lawyer

until he needs one”,

which produces the sort of

silence during which I fill out

a retainer contract.

II

Clients see the group toy box

under my receptionist’s desk,

her tender smile,

the framed photo of my daughter, 

and they feel I understand.

I do understand, but phone

slips pile up so tall on my desk

that the paperweight mouse gives up,

and I have to peel out

in the daycare parking lot

to arrive at court on time.

III

To the ones who call daily

to recount visitation arguments,

(the fact that ears were pierced,

and gerbils purchased

to win affections), I say:

"It’s $20 every time I pick this phone up”.

This puts perspective

on how the child’s laundry was returned,

how much sugar was given

to a hypoglycemic seven year old,

and whether entertainment

was PG-13.

IV

Eventually, homemade fudge

in plastic wrap

no longer arrives at my office.

The children have already

seen all the toys,

the other lawyer has a better suit,

and his file is color coded.

The statement from my office

goes over 30 days.

When the trial date arrives both sides

have found other relationships.

They are tired of meeting at Burger King

as neutral territory

when children are exchanged.

The judge splits the baby,

which the next door neighbor

could have predicted.

V

At last, the client makes

his final fee payment.

He says, during this visit,

"This is how you lawyers all get rich”.

I tell my favorite lawyer joke,

the one about the 500 dead lawyers.

Then, I take out the office garbage,

tie my Volvo door shut with twine,

and peel out towards the

daycare parking lot.